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My baby

(cross posted)

2 weeks ago, I had to put my oldest cat Duncan to sleep.  Anyone who has followed me for a bit has heard about him at least once…I even did a post about him & my other cats during a 30 days challenge a while back.  Even in that post he was showing signs of the end coming but thankfully we had a few more good months.

About halfway thru last month tho, there started some clear signs that it was coming soon…very soon.  There were a couple of days where he would barely eat or drink & I finally told him if he didn’t start at least eating I was going to have to take him in & put him to sleep.  So the next day he started eating better…just like he’d heard me & realized “Oh crap she means it I better get with it.”  Well then our air conditioner died, & we had the hottest days of the summer a couple of weeks after that had happened.  He got so hot that I was laying him on the desk & not only putting cool water on his pawpads & ears but wiping him down with a cool damp cloth every 20 minutes or so…& forcing him to drink cool water once an hour or so in an effort to keep him from getting heat stroke.  He was showing all the beginning signs & we really didn’t think he was going to make it but lo & behold…he did…by some welcome miracle.

On the 18th…things were doing fine that morning…he’d been extra lovey for the last few days & wanted attention & was purring when I held him for the first time in a couple of months but I figured it was because he seemed to feel better since he was still eating & drinking just fine.  I got home, & he wanted on the desk so I put him up here.  He stayed up there, drank some, loved my hand some while he laid there, & ate a little bit, but then wanted down.  After he got down, I noticed a hand sized wet spot on my desk which should not have been there.  So I followed him into the bedroom, since he always sleeps on my bed if he wasn’t in here with me at the desk, & saw numerous spots on the bed as well.  I spent the next 20 minutes laying in there with him & by that time…i knew the time had come.  My first cat, Bit, had died of kidney failure, so I knew what I was seeing & wasn’t going to make him hang on till the better end.  Especially not when anyone could tell he was miserable.  So I called the vet’s office, & scheduled the appointment for that afternoon after I got done with work & my son got home from school.

My son had to hold him while we drove to the vet’s, & even he knew it was time because Duncan didn’t do anything other than reow his unhappiness at having to go somewhere again.  Even once we got there, he didn’t try to get away or make alot of noise, just some token wiggling & grumbling to show he was still there & with us.  My dad had gone with us so all 3 of us went in the room where I held Duncan while the sedative took effect, after the vet looked him over & listened to what I had to say & agreed it sounded like I was right.  She was 1 I hadn’t dealt with before but I’m glad it was her because she handled it all beautifully…caring but to the point.  I hadn’t stayed with Bit when she was put to sleep but this time…I was still petting him till she told me he was gone.  I just couldn’t watch even if I was there & trying to love him till the end because…he gave me so much the least I could do was be with him the whole way.

Thankfully…there has been no guilt at all because the look in his eyes before I called the vet…he was ready…& I think he’d known it was coming for the few days before & was doing what he could to get that last bit in before it was done.  That explains the sudden need for me to hold him for an hour at a time…him purring while I was doing it…why he was insisting on sleeping on my head & arm so much the nights before…we were both ready which has made it so much easier…I guess as easy as something like this can be.  *chuckles* I’ll admit I’ve gone thru a few napkins while writing this since I use those instead of Kleenex but I thought it was time.  It still hurts & I do miss him but…he had a good life & enjoyed it I think & i think he’s happy wherever he’s at now.  The other 2 cats have been a help as well since thanks to them I’ve been able to let go as well as I can until we get his ashes back.

I remember the little scrawny kitten he was when my ex-boyfriend’s mom gave him to us, I remember the huge cow he became after my ex brought him to me because his ex-girlfriend hated the cat, & I remember him laying his head on my shoulder just looking at me like I was stupid…purring the whole time because even if he thought I was being stupid he was perfectly happy to be there.  He was my baby & there’ll never be another like him & he won’t be forgotten.  Thank you Duncan for being there.

Duncan when he was named Penny at about 4 months old

Duncan when he was named Penny at about 4 months old

Duncan at 12 being spoiled as always

Duncan at 12 being spoiled as always

His last picture

His last picture


My Christmas so far

(Cross posted)

So far it’s been pretty good.  Got lots of pretty kitchen stuff & yummy smelling candles so I’m not about to complain.  Will get lots of movies from Santa tomorrow so that’s a good thing too.  I have also spent entirely too much money on amazon tonight going thru & having a Christmas music downloading marathon.  It started out by watching silly cat videos on YouTube but then it kind of took on a life of its own.

Only bad part about it has included a bit of crying off & on over the night but that’s to be expected considering some of the stuff I downloaded & listened to tonight.  For the first time in…I guess ever…I’m crying over the past.  As I sit here & look at my kid…him & the way that I interact with him at times makes me think of my mom…& some of these songs don’t help either.  I don’t know really why I’m crying because there’s no pain & the acceptance came long before she actually died but it’s happening all the same.  It’s not with everyone song but enough.  I guess it’s because it’s been so many years since I’ve listened to more than the Jingle Cats & even then I skipped half the songs because I’d heard them so much growing up.  And now for some reason, sitting here singing along with them to my kid is just occasionally making me leak a bit.  Other than that & realizing just how much things can change yet still at the same time stay the same.

But to everyone…I hope you have a Merry Christmas or happy Wednesday or whatever you celebrate but most of all I hope it’s an enjoyable day filled with good memories!

Some thoughts

(cross posted)

It’s the beginning of my 3rd week on Weight Watchers & this is…according to alot of online things & people I know…the make or break week most of the time.  I’m down close to 10 lbs already…including 3.5 lbs this last week which is not all water weight loss…so at least I have some motivation.  But over the last few days…after some serious thinking & things I’ve read on other people’s blogs that have made me think,…I have to wonder if I’m going to be able to do it anyway.  All the reasons I’ve had trouble doing this before are still here & I don’t know how to deal with them & get them out of the way without help.  And help is something I’m completely unable to get…at least not for the help I need to do this & make it last.

I’ve really tried not to whine or complain or write any sob story posts but maybe some of this stuff I need to at least write out some of them so I can have them listed somewhere.  My biggest problem with losing weight..always has been & can’t imagine it not being a problem…is that my weight is my way to guard against the world.  It makes it more difficult to meet people which is good because if I don’t meet people, I won’t get disappointed or hurt or my heart mangled like it has before.  And yes…I do want to meet new people & would love to have someone in my life but my fear of either them not wanting me or even worse wanting me for a while then finding something they like more…that fear is something I have no clue at all about how to get past.  It’s what I scream & cry about when I want to emotionally eat because I know that’s why I want to eat but I am so scared as well that it makes me miserable to not eat because not only am I not getting any comfort from eating like normal, but that fear grows & grows the more weight I lose.  Part of me knows that no 1 is ever going to want me to if I stay fat I’ll never have to deal with that rejection because I don’t even get noticed now let alone rejected.  But at the same time…I so don’t want to be alone forever so it’s like a catch 22…I can’t win either way because I’m miserable no matter what I do.  I know with my logical mind that I’m wrong but…it’s not my logical mind I have to contend with to get the weight off.

I know these are common worries & fears but until I know how to deal with it myself…which I’ve not figured out in over 25 yrs so I don’t have much hope of figuring it out now…I’m going to be miserable as long as I lose weight.  I have to lose this weight…for physical & health reasons…but all the emotional ones are what makes it so damned hard to do.  And quite often if I’m offline for a period of time, I’m isolating myself to help deal with that so promise I’ll be back sooner or later.  But before I’m done…I still want to thank everyone for all their kind words & everything else they’ve given me…it’s more appreciated than they can ever know.  So *huggies* to everyone for their reading this & even more for their kinds words & comments & wishes…it means the world to me!

A random thought

Was sitting here after work & thinking about something me & my dad were talking about during work. And I guess I can finally see why I end up having so many younger friends. I think it’s from the side I have that still has so much childlike innocence…living alongside my responsible & “adult” side.  I kind of think that’s why even now so many people think I’m so much younger than I am…because most 40 yr olds I know don’t still get that look of amazement over the simplest things…for example how fun it is to stick your foot under a rain gutter so the water goes all over your foot.  There’s a simple appreciation there that most people my age just don’t seem to have anymore…which is a shame.  Anyway…just wanted to share that thought so thanks everyone for reading!

I deserve it

(cross posted a few days late but I decided it should be here too)

I just took my kid with me to see the new Star Trek movie, & while sitting there looking at him as the credits were starting to roll, I remembered going to see the original Star Trek 2 with my mom, & us both crying over the end, & i think it triggered something in my head.  I deserve to be able to come home, & tell someone about how much I miss my mom & who wants to know how the movie went & whether my kid enjoyed himself or not.  Someone who just wants to hold me or cuddle me…someone who calls me on skype or the phone just to hear my voice even if it’s only to tell me hello & goodbye…someone who texts me because they’re thinking of me.  I deserve someone who loves me at least half as much as I do him.  I need it, I want it, & i deserve it most importantly of all.  Scary I know to think all of that came from sitting at a movie watching my kid’s face as I thought about my mom but…*shrugs & laughs* blame Karl Urban for being too awesome or Chris Pine for sucking you into his portrayal of Kirk or even Zachary Quinto since with this 1 he finally stood on his own as Spock.  Whatever it was about Star Trek…it’s the truth because I do deserve it & I am going to get it…1 way…or another.

Just something I had to say

Cross-posted so be warned lol

Over the last few days, my son & I have both been on WoW alot.  And I have come to a conclusion…especially after going thru a battleground this morning & watching him go thru a dungeon with a friend of mine not long after.  People are effing stupid.  Completely, totally, amazingly, blindingly stupid.  It scares me just how many people are in fact.  I know this is a common bitch when it comes to MMORPGs & especially WoW but doesn’t make it any less annoying to me.  People just flat out piss me the f*ck off sometimes.

Some jackass today told us to get some gear & learn how to do a battleground before we qued for 1…it was an entry level battleground so where the hell else can you learn to do 1 without starting at the starting level?  I mean bloody f*cking hell what kind of bleeding eejit tells you that kind of stuff?  Learn to do something without actually doing it?  Now that’s the words of a true genius.  I’m in awe at his staggering intellect I tell you.  For people like that we need a new gesture/emote whichever you want to call it.  We need a super rude gesture…where you either give the f*cker the finger or else have 1 where you can slap that mother f*cker right upside their stupid assed heads & really let them know how you feel about them.

Then the idiots in dungeons…*shakes head*.  If you actually try to do the quests in most dungeons…those same quests that everyone says you need to do to get gear remember…you get yelled at for being too slow or just flat out left behind because you’re not zipping along behind the insane tank who pulls every f*cking thing in the world & wipes the whole group.  Or your tank is great but your healer is new or just flat out sucks…which new is 1 thing & I’m not about to bitch about that considering I’ve been there…but just flat out not doing your job & letting everyone die while you giggle is something else entirely.  Even worse are the idiots who think it’s funny to pull everything & then acts like it’s everyone else’s fault but theirs.

Then there’s the ones…in battlegrounds or dungeons or even just questing…where someone makes a honest mistake…usually because you’ve gotten left behind again…& gets reamed for not only making the mistake but admitting to it.  So they either tell you that you’re stupid or can’t play or just flat out kick you instead of someone bothering to tell you how to help or fix it, or avoid doing it again in the future.  Of course that opens a whole new can of worms because some people are so damned good they don’t need any f*cking help & are perfect so they curse & call you names for bothering to help them…just because you’re pointing out to someone that they’re less than the perfect paragon they like to think that they are.  Making you feel either stupid for trying to help or like an bleeding fool for thinking their might be decent players still out there.

All this means that the few people who do try to be decent…by my own admission may not be the best player but does at least try & learn & get better…we’re ignored or yelled at or called names & not only are afraid to ask for help but are too scared of someone else’s reaction to offer anyone else any help.  It’s bullshit & it just needs to stop already.  No 1 is perfect & it’s crap to expect everyone in the world to be that way.  Just because you don’t actually kill someone in these games doesn’t mean there’s not a real person who can get hurt behind the keyboard.  So Restor…this rant is for you & your shining example of good sportsmanship in WoW this morning.  Thank you for making my relaxing time ever so much more enjoyable with your winning personality & your amazing ability to teach & encourage your fellow game players…I hope you help many more people just like you did me today.



I am so happy!  Not only have I lost 6 pounds but I can wash my tummy all the way across now!  Yays!


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